A little refresher on the narc abuse cycle:
According to Manya Wakefield of Narc Abuse Rehab & expert Dr. Thomas Franklin, MD a pyschiatrist & psychoanalyst:
The cycle of narcissistic abuse is a pattern of harmful behaviors used by one person to manipulate and exploit another.
Moreover, while specific motives may differ among perpetrators, common objectives involve asserting power, exercising control, and fulfilling narcissistic desires.
For those keeping count, we've done the first two parts: Idealization and devaluation. The next is the discard phase which I will be covering here.
The discard phase of narcissistic abuse occurs when the manipulator abruptly withdraws their emotional investment and callously ends the relationship. During this phase, the perpetrator views the victims a devalued, negative object that must be ejected from their grandiose presence. The more narcissistic the perpetrator is, the more they coldly and cruelly they will treat the victim during the discard. There is no longer any need to hide their true nature so the false persona they used to infiltrate the victim’s life is dropped, leaving the horrified victim to find themselves dealing with the con artist behind the mask.
On my old blog I described Andy Signore as a charlatan which I still believe defines him very well.
A charlatan is a person practicing quackery or a similar confidence trick in order to obtain money, power, fame, or other advantages through pretense or deception.
In my experience, once Andy realizes he can't fool you and/or use you anymore you'll be swiftly discarded. If you're lucky, you'll simply be ignored. If not:
There is likely to be an active smear campaign, preemptively launched by the perpetrator which is designed to destroy the victim’s credibility and make it impossible for them to be believed should they disclose their experiences with the perpetrator behind closed doors. Moreover, the perpetrator may have already moved on with an affair partner, who has taken the victim’s place on the coveted pedestal. A common behavior during this phase is duping delight as the perpetrator experiences profound satisfaction over successfully fooling the victim, bystanders, members of their social circle, authorities, etc. Other behaviors present during the discard are contempt, hostility, and/or fury, which are used to strike terror in the victim and thus control them.
During the discard phase, the victim is dealing solely with Mr. Hyde, who rejects the object on to which he has projected all of his flaws. During this phase, the perpetrator repeatedly hammers the ultimate insult into the victim’s head: You’re nothing like me! You don’t reflect the qualities I associate with my illustrious self image.
When I and a few other moderators left Popcorned Planet a year ago February, Andy labeled us as, "psycho, clout-chasing bullies" and "mean girls." Jolene, former head mod, was told that one of her mistakes was in thinking she was allowed to make friends in "his" community - that she helped build. She states the only reason she stayed as long as she did was in an effort to protect said community.
Before we left, we contacted a few that we felt close to. Some left with us while at least one, It's Kim, stayed and was rewarded with a co-host spot and her own channel. Someone contacted me later and, even though I warned her, she became a mod after we left. To my knowledge, she's still there and still touting Popcorned Planet. So, who's the real clout chasers?
And mods/headlines team members are still leaving - we have a few within our ranks. If Andy & co find out that they're speaking with us ex-mods they find themselves ousted and sometimes bullied (especially if you speak out, like I do).
Common Manipulation Tactics During Discard
- DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). This is a manipulation tactic used to invalidate the victim’s disclosures. The perpetrator denies the allegations, attacks the credibility of the victim, and reverses the roles, portraying themselves as the victim instead.
See above re bullying. Andy has DARVO down pat, IMO
- Betrayal. The victim’s trust will be repeatedly violated. Promises and commitments will be broken. The betrayal usually takes the form of infidelity, but it can also express in other ways, i.e. running up credit card debt in the the victim’s name and leaving them to deal with the fall out.
- Projection. The perpetrator disavows their undesirable thoughts, emotions, or traits by projecting them onto the victim. This includes internal conflicts, insecurities, or impulsive behavior. Through this cognitive distortion the perpetrator externalizing their faults and maintains the narcissistic self-deception that they are perfect.
This goes hand in hand with DARVO and describes Andy to a T, IMO.
- Sabotage. The victim’s progress and goals are deliberately undermined, obstructed by the perpetrator, who actively chips away at their self-esteem, withholds information, and engages in character assassination of the victim behind their back with gossip, rumor-mongering, exclusion, or social manipulation.
On the day of or day after we left Andy made an announcement on his live stream that he was making a few changes. He was looking for new moderators that weren't ego driven and didn't require constant praise. Amongst other things that I've since forgotten. I tried to go refresh my memory but there is no live cut on Popcorned Planet's "live" tab from Mon, Feb 21 of 2022. I wonder why? I know full lives are members only but the parts he cuts out for general consumption are not. Where did it go? Maybe he simply didn't create one in the first place, I don't really know. I just find it curious. It's probably nothing, right?
Btw, bonus points for those that see the projection of it all. Andy is the one that is very ego driven and requires constant praise, IMO.
Relational vs Transactional relationships
Transactional means to treat people as a transaction – something to do, something to accomplish, a checkbox sort of activity. Transactions are ways of treating people as something that needs to be done versus something connecting to someone. We don’t create a sense of belonging in transactions.
Transactional interactions can also be power-plays. Such as hoarding and holding information and only sharing what they want, not inviting input or considering new information. “I have information you need and I’ll tell you what you need to know.”
Content creators like Andy Signore pretty much views his audience as transactional, IMO. Your value to him is based upon what you bring to the table be it information and/or funding. Or being a pretty lady.
The catalyst to our leaving was due to someone spying on semi-private convos that were shared with Andy & his side-kick, Luis Lecca. Luis was especially butt hurt and booted me from his Telegram group when I dared question his behavior. And I hadn't even been part of the aforementioned semi-private convos. I also wasn't forced to apologize to him as a couple of others were. Which is good, 'cuz I would've refused.
Relational ways of interacting are how we make change. It humanizes each other and can lead to deeper social change. Relational work means investing more of ourselves into the work and personalizing the work, which can feel taxing at times but in the long haul it leads to deeper and more impactful work.
As humans we need to create connections with each other to build trust, iterate off of each other’s ideas, and to connect. The trust that comes with relationships allows us to probe more deeply and to make changes that improve services and programs.
I believe that the mods that helped build Andy's community believed they had a relational relationship. As we were encouraged to share each others social media it was an understandable mistake. One that I've tried to not make since.
While I enjoy other YouTube channels and have even joined a few, I don't usually delve in too deeply. Fool me once and all of that. Except for Saggy Melonz - she's had our back since we met her.
While I will continue to call Andy Signore & his cohorts out out by name, he refuses to use ours. Except for Matt Jarbo, lol. I think it's because he's pretty much the only one that has any sort of social capitol.
Just be wary of Andy & Popcorned Planet. While he can certainly be entertaining he's also incredibly manipulative, IMO. I prefer content creators that appreciate their audience. That remain humble and realize that they wouldn't be where they are. doing what their doing, without their following. Which is very true - viewers hold the power and smart creators realize that. I've noticed that gracious creators are amongst the most successful which is as it should be, IMO.
